I realized that the reason I harp on Ol and Tuesday -

I just want them to be better than me, to be more than me.

I want them to have a life I didn't have. To have options.

But more than that -

how much I h8 myself.

How much I just wish that I was never a mother because I never should have been one. They deserved someone so much better than me.

Between having a toxic mother, a fucked up religion, and just being me, they deserved someone so much better.

I never, ever should have homeschooled.

I never should have gotten married.

I probably never should have been BN.

I realized that I have grown so much as a person since leaving my family behind.

But that growth has meant seeing how badly I have fucked so much up. How much just being here has meant that other people have been hurt.

It isn't a therapy thing.

It's a

Hey, the reason I never went to college was because I was scared of displeasing everyone. I was scared of displeasing everyone because of the toxic family. But also, I never could have cut it. I barely made it out of math class.

I wasn't meant to be a college student. And accepting that is hard. Because it means that I'm accepting that I'm not that smart.

If I was smart I would have seen when I was 21 that the only thing my husband to be cared about was hey here's a hot chick that likes me. He never even knew me.

Realizing that the reason I don't have friends is because I don't understand how to be a good friend. Because I don't understand people.

I just h8 all of it. I love the bF shit like if you need Latnem Health care then call this number.

That's not the problem Bob-o.

I don't need a stupid overpriced t-pist to go through the routine of whatever.

I don't need medication. Because that's not the problem.

The problem is realizing that I have nothing to offer this planet. And the children I gave birth to are my offspring. Mine.

That can only mean one thing. Right? 

And the Man refuses to think that anything might be wrong because all he thinks about is making them Happy. We don't need Happy. Esp when it's illusory. Happy doesn't pay bills when inside you feel like dying.

I'm so worried about my kids. But that's just making it worse. It's compounding it.

Where if they had someone who didn't come from a toxic family O would probably be in college or out by now, and T would be a - something. Or at least idk something. 

And H would be using her PECs and we would have vacations and a normal life.

I have spent so much time blaming and there's' plenty to go around.

But maybe if I would have been smarter. And there's no one that can fix that.

If I just stop talking to people, if I just leave them alone, at least I can't make it worse.