I realized that the reason I harp on Ol and Tuesday - I just want them to be better than me, to be more than me. I want them to have a life I didn't have. To have options. But more than that - how much I h8 myself. How much I just wish that I was never a mother because I never should have been one. They deserved someone so much better than me. Between having a toxic mother, a fucked up religion, and just being me, they deserved someone so much better. I never, ever should have homeschooled. I never should have gotten married. I probably never should have been BN. I realized that I have grown so much as a person since leaving my family behind. But that growth has meant seeing how badly I have fucked so much up. How much just being here has meant that other people have been hurt. It isn't a therapy thing. It's a Hey, the reason I never went to college was because I was scared of displeasing everyone. I was scared of displeasing everyone because of the toxic family. But also